Arthur.

We have done well.

Our victory here today is one not only for us, but for all the Knights of the Round Table and for all of our fallen comrades.

Surely today...

Our legend has begun.

And with that, the ETERNAL LEGEND OF ★ EXCALIBUR ★ spans yet another year!

I trust everyone who attended my BIRTHDAY COMMEMORATION CELEBRATION enjoyed themselves. Very few throughout history have had such a chance to be entertained by a legend on his special day!

I await your thank you cards.

TWO DAYS REMAIN!

I trust everyone has kept their schedules clear as per my request!

Those who meet my standards can expect to find invitations soon.

I see there are many newcomers to this city!

WELL THEN!

Who wishes to hear the great legend of Excalibur?

My supply of tea has been returned in its entirety!

And--!

IN OTHER NEWS!

ONLY TEN DAYS REMAIN.

I hope that preparations for EXCALIBUR'S BIRTHDAY COMMEMORATION are going well.

For all those who failed to follow my instructions in a previous entry, here is a convenient LINK so that you can prepare accordingly!

It has been brought to my attention that with a minor alteration to the previously posted collar pattern, it could also be used to create a charming doily for afternoon tea!



Now there should be no excuse for any of you not to take a proper tea. And remember! An American breakfast biscuit is not a substitute for a crumpet.

Only one week remains until ALL HALLOW'S EVE.

For all those who are stumped for an idea, might I suggest...

The most legendary costume of them all?

By simply wearing a white dress shirt, finding a cane of smooth wood, and manufacturing a few simple pieces yourself, you can spend a day imagining what it is like to be a legend such as I!

For the collar, simply cut out and connect four of THIS CONVENIENT PATTERN I HAVE CONSTRUCTED FOR YOU:



Fabric will, of course, require interfacing, but for the BACKWATER TRASH types out there, paper may suffice. Normally, of course, I would not accept such degrading portrayals of my greatness, but on this special day I feel it my duty to be generous.

Top hats can be made of paper as well. Naturally the citizens of a city such as this would be too lowly for a top hat of such fine silk as mine in the first place.

Please feel free to POST PHOTOGRAPHS of yourselves in these costumes! HOWEVER, I reserve the right to force the immediate burning of any photo I deem unfit.

Even holiday generosity must have its limits.

It is a well-known fact that a long nose is a mark of potential for great importance and military prowess!

HOWEVER!

None of those whom I have seen have the proper proportions or air of importance necessary to pull off such impressive noses. I must insist that you return to your cosmetic surgeons immediately to have these procedures reversed before the name of the long-nosed man is forever tainted.

.

.

.

There is no doubt in my mind that when I went to bed last night, I was wearing my pajamas.

Changing into pajamas at night is such a natural and important step in every day of a man's life that it is something a legend such as myself would never overlook!

Yet I awoke this morning to find myself not in my pajamas, but in a dreadful black and white suit like something worn by the so-called "New Wave" musicians in the latter decades of the 20th century.

FOOLS.

To steal the finely made garments of a legend is unacceptable!

Any attempt to sell them to museums on the black market will surely meet with failure as my legendary style will be instantly recognized and it will be obvious that such magnificent items could not possibly have come from the stock of a common thief.

Perhaps most importantly,

The immediate return of my silk top hat is demanded.

You are not important enough to wear a hat of such impressive height.

The path of a legend is one of constant twists and turns, an eternal uphill journey of ongoing personal evolution. A man of legend can never remain static!

As such, I have decided that Provolone is no longer a suitable cheese for my sub sandwiches and that Muenster shall be used in the future. Please adjust requirement #878 on your lists accordingly.

I think...

Today feels.... legendary.

Recent events in this city have proven rather amusing. I have, of course, always advocated the wear-only-a-shirt (IF YOU DARE) style of fashion -- I am secure enough in the fashion statement I choose to make that I own no pants! -- however, it seems that some of you misunderstood my fashion advice and forgot your shirts as well.

The snow has also been quite a pleasant surprise. There is nothing like drinking your morning coffee in the snow, watching each white flake fall slowly while you remain frozen in time, the steam rising from your cup to warm your face. It reminds me of a certain ice-fishing expedition I once went on. I was invited on this particular expedition, of course, because my legend was so widely known and respected. In fact, a child once approached me on the street, asking if I could spare some change, and in response, I-- Well, I, naturally, had none, as I have no pockets in which to keep such trivial amounts of money. Pockets would add unnecessary bulk to the clean lines of my shirt, and one cannot properly show how great he is if his clothes do not fit properly. This is an oft-recorded fact that cannot be denied.

Requirements for All Potential Partners

1000. You must call ahead every Monday morning to schedule my manicure for the following week.

999. I will not take my tea in a cup that has been used by anyone else.

998. I will not take my coffee in a cup that has been used by anyone else.

997. You must study a chapter of my book once every Tuesday night.

996. My collar must be pressed with respect to the side seams.

995. Facial tissue that contains lotion is too oily and will not be purchased.

994. Single-ply toilet paper is not permitted in my house.

993. When we go out to dinner, if there are garlic croutons in my salad, you must remove them all with a separate designated utensil. Other varieties of crouton should remain.

992. You may not have friends over in my dwelling while I am out.

991. My silk hat must be taken to the dry cleaners on the 18th of every month, unless the 18th falls on a Sunday, in which case it must be taken in on the previous business day.

990. You must always walk three paces behind me when we are out in public.

989. If the paint on my cane chips, you must take it to Exeter Hardware in Yorkshire to be repainted.

988. When you purchase theatre tickets, my seat must be in the direct center of the auditorium, or, in the case of an even number of seats, slightly to the left of the middle.

987. You must always request paper bags when picking up my groceries.

986. Wednesday mornings are to be devoted to rehearsing the dance routines I shall make up for you.

985. When making rice pudding, you must use a very specific amount of rice, which I have marked off on the measuring cup for you.

984. You will check my sock drawer every Thursday evening and darn any socks in need of repair.

983. You will pick up my newspaper in the morning and deliver it to my hands before I leave for my morning coffee.

982. The lemon slices in my iced tea must be one quarter of the area of the cross section of the lemon with a width of 1.5 centimeters.

981. You will sit at a different table when we patronize a restaurant.

980. My monocle should be polished once a week, regardless of whether I have worn it recently.

979. You will always use a coaster when enjoying a beverage in my dwelling.

978. If I wish for oatmeal, you will prepare it with milk rather than with water.

977. The shirts in my wardrobe are to be arranged by sleeve length and number of buttons.

976. I have designated spoons for various occasions; they should not under any circumstances become intermingled.

975. The grandfather clock in my parlor shall be reset according to the official Greenwich Mean Time every Sunday at 12:00 AM.

974. We will go over our schedules for the following week together every Sunday at 4:00 PM.

973. You will not speak to me while I am listening to music.

972. My refrigerator needs to be cleaned and all expiration dates inspected once a week.

971. Breakfast is to be consumed coffee first and egg last.

970. Failure to capitalize my name when writing it will result in immediate termination of our contract.

969. When renting a movie, I must watch it first before our combined viewing.

968. See to it that she is kept pure.

967. While in my sword form, I must be polished every day by an Icelandic virgin.

966. The third slice of cake clockwise from the initial cut is not for you.

965. The word "Toledo" shall never be uttered in my presence.

964. No requests are to be made of me during a new moon.

963. The lights are not to be turned on in a counterclockwise order.

962. You will respect and honor my birthday.

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I see that I am in a new place.

Surely I was summoned here by those who wish to hear my legend!

FOOLS. One does not merely move Excalibur without first agreeing to the proper demands.

However, being that I am already here, it is no matter. NOW THEN! Who wishes to hear my legend? I shall arrange a special group legend-telling session tomorrow afternoon after I have taken my tea.